I’m not a “him.” I’ve never been a “him.” I’m not a “him” now, and I was­n’t a “him” when I was born.

The doc­tors thought I was a “him,” but doc­tors have thought many things through­out his­tory. There was a time when doc­tors thought that the body was made of four “hu­mors”: black bile, yel­low bile, phlegm, and blood. Their en­tire be­lief sys­tem was wrong; it was a pretty ma­jor rev­e­la­tion.

That I’m a “her” rather than a “him” seems rather a mi­nor rev­e­la­tion in con­trast. But no! It’s so Earth-shat­ter­ing that every­one gets in an up­roar, from doc­tors to par­ents to gov­ern­ment: oh no! All those pa­pers we filled out with your sex. Oh no! All of the blue things we gave you as a baby! Oh no! What hap­pened to our first born son! Oh no! Bath­rooms! Oh no!

I blame pe­nis. Every­one thinks about pe­nis too much. You no­tice how much pe­nis there is around around? Look at any tall build­ing. Even not so tall ones, I sup­pose—let’s not judge.

Half the pop­u­la­tion has pe­nis. The other half is un­lucky. Why? Be­cause we love us some pe­nis.

If you don’t have it, there must be some­thing wrong with you. Want to be pres­i­dent? Do you have pe­nis? No? Not hap­pen­ing. Want to be a CEO of a large com­pany? We’d re­ally like it if you had pe­nis. Don’t have pe­nis? Well, you should find some­one else’s pe­nis and take care of it. It’s your job.

If you don’t want pe­nis? Well of course, that’s ridicu­lous. Who in the world would refuse pe­nis? If you don’t have pe­nis, you have to want it! Why, you’re pos­i­tively ask­ing for it! Every­thing you do, how you dress, how you talk, all of it, it’s clear to all that you just want pe­nis! Does­n’t mat­ter if you are 10 or 50. And if you do have pe­nis… why, of course, you must love it. It is your pride and joy. Any­thing else would be ridicu­lous.

So when our ba­bies are born, of course we go “It’s a pe­nis!” It’s def­i­nitely some­thing to be cel­e­brated: it’s a real per­son!

It’s kind of rude, though. I mean, what if a baby wanted to keep their pri­vate parts, well, pri­vate? Too bad. It’s a pe­nis!

I’m a “her.” I’ve al­ways been one. Still am. I’ve been this way from the day I was born. Pe­nis be damned.